Honey, you're looking a little. . .um. . .bigger

If you can read the message on Ben's tee-shirt, and if you paid even remotely close attention to my last blog entry, you'll notice that Ben is proud to be a future big brother!" [You'll also notice Ben showing off his "Big Guns"] Yes, Anna went and got herself pregnant, and the gossip around town is that I had something to do with it. To be perfectly honest, I'm having trouble remembering the specific event. I mean, there is an overabundance of fortunate women in this world who have felt the dynamic electricity of my physicality, particularly as of late, and I'm reasonably surprised that there aren't any more alleged Mike Bonick offspring floating around the Midwest. I'm so virile, rumor has it that a lady in the middle of her cycle need only stand within the general vicinity of my loins to beget her impregnation. Let me tell you, the wonderment in my pants is a veritable force worthy of cautious respect and, when necessary, celebration.

In the words of Moses (who creatively rephrased the expression of some random Roman dude): Vidi Vici Veni (just think about that one some more. . .keep going. . . almost there. . . okay, got it?)

So our new tot should peek her or his head out sometime around the middle of April. And if you’ve really been paying attention to this blog, you’d know that due-date is right around Ben’s birthday. Anna has had conversations with both her doctor and her ovaries, and the general consensus is that she should expect to spit out the new baby between April 15th and April 18th, 2008. My bet’s on April 20th, which just happens to be the birthday of my boyhood idol - Don Mattingly of the New York Yankees. My back-up bet is on June 17, and only because the odds for that are so great, I’d be foolish not to throw down at least a few bucks on that line.

Anna’s doc took a few ultrasound snapshots of the New One (also being referred to as “little b”, “peanut”, “bean 2”, “squirt”, and my favorite: “tonto”), which you can see below. I’ve taken the time to annotate all the various features of my wife’s womb and the thing growing inside of it. You should know in advance that I’m terrible at deciphering these puzzles, so if you cite any errors in the Comments section, I swear I’ll steal your dog and sell it to Michael Vick.


1. Eye
2. Lung
3. Mutara Nebula (I think)
4. Totum Dependeat *
5. Professional Affiliation (and multi-year contract signing bonus)
6. Nonsensical Technical Jargon (‘Pwr 100%’ might indicate that our baby is all-powerful)
7. Parental Sleep Deprivation Gland
8. Detroit
9. Visage of the Virgin Mary

* Loosely translated from Webster’s Human Anatomy & Physiology: “Let it all hang out”


So, everyone around these parts thinks this one is a girl. What do you think – when the time comes, should we find out if there’s a penis attached there someplace? I don’t’ know. If you ask me, it doesn’t matter if it’s a boy or girl. All I want is a healthy baby. And maybe the next super-star pitcher for the Yankees. That's it.