wheezing and sneezing

Ben has been sick for almost three straight months now. It started with a head-cold that turned into a cough, then that was followed by the stomach flu which ended just as he picked up another head-cold, followed by some viral pink-eye, then by a hacking cough combined with some seriously runny nose, which led to the croup, rubella, trypanosomiasis, the measles and then just this past week - trench-foot. This is beginning to get out of hand.

Anna and I accredit all of these various maladies to the other children at Ben’s part-time daycare, and in the trypanosomiasis case, I’m certain that creepy-looking Amazonian kid with the flies buzzing around his head is to blame. Daycare centers are like laboratory centers for disease control, where instead of trying to isolate the disease and contain it, the disease is spread as widely as possibly under the assumption that if everyone gets sick, then eventually no one will ever remember what it was like to be healthy and the new state of affliction will become the status quo (the principle of monogamy works the same way, but that’s a subject for another day).

If you plan on bringing your kid to daycare during the winter months, you might as well just inject the virus directly into their bloodstream and save yourself the stress of wondering whether or not they’ll catch it on their own. And then you can turn the dripping needle right around and inject it into your own arm, because there is no way in hell you’re going to come out of this winter as healthy as you went in.

Doctors will try and tell you that all of these viruses and bacteria floating around in your kid’s bloodstream are actually a good thing, as the kid's immunity for the diseases will be well established by the time they are school-aged. Don’t let them fool you. They have a vested interest in propagating disease. It keeps the business steady and the Maserati full of premium gas.

Ben has taken to his various diseases with surprising poise, except when it comes time to take his medicine. We’ve tried everything, believe me. Putting the cough syrup in his orange juice. Wrapping the chewable Tylenol with a gummy bear. Telling him that the liquid Motrin will give him wings and make him fly. Nothing works. If it’s liquid, he’ll spit it in your face. If it’s chewable, he’ll let it dribble out onto his shirt. It’s not because he doesn’t like the taste; in fact, I think he really likes the taste of the chewable tablets. The problem is he is a “little delight” entering his “first adolescence”. And when you combine that with itchy eyes, sleepless nights, and being stuck in the house all day long, you’ve got yourself one angry little tornado. It’s enough to make a daddy want to go back to the bar and enough to make a mommy want to remodel the kitchen with her fists.

I suppose the winter has to end at some point. In Chicago it only lasts for 5 months - that’s not even half the year! We should be so lucky! With only two months to go, how many more diseases can our little bug-catcher possibly get?